A Greater Fear

Confession: lately I have been struggling a lot with fear. It seems like now that all the foster care paperwork is done, the house is almost as ready as it can be, and the biggest "to-dos" are done, I am left with a lot of time (maybe too much time?) to think. And to be afraid. I have found myself becoming more and more anxious about not only the unknowns specifically relating to foster care, but also simply my own ability to be a mother and care for a child. Questions like, how will I know when, what, and how much to feed them? How often does a baby need a bath? How will I cope with being overtired? What if they don't like me? What if I don't connect with the baby? and more like these, however "dumb" and small they seem, keep running through my head the closer the time comes for our license to be approved. If I were a betting woman, I'd put my money on many of these uncertainties being normal for first-time moms, but that doesn't make the fear any less real. Even though I am the oldest girl in a family of seven kids (read: I did my fair share of diaper changing and had my sleep interrupted by throwing up and bedwetting on a regular basis), I still feel like there is a lot I don't know. In my more rational moments, I trust that much of this will come naturally, but those nights when I lie awake and worry...yeah, not so rational.

But last night, I feel like the Lord really spoke to my fearful heart. I was preparing to perform my nightly ritual of reading Our Daily Bread when I realized I had read the "wrong" day (the format is such that you read one for each day of the week) twice in a row. No wonder I kept feeling a day ahead all week (isn't it Friday yet??)! I got a little shiver of anticipation. In my experience, usually when I "accidentally" read the wrong day in my devotional, it's because the Lord was saving it for a particular time. So I read on, and boy did He come through. The scripture reading was Mark 4:35-41. Super duper well-known story if you have been anywhere around Christian culture for at least 2 minutes of your life (if you haven't, you are missing out! Catch the action here). Jesus calms the storm. I knew I knew it inside and out and prepared to be comforted once again by knowing that Jesus can calm anything, be it me or the storm. Which is true, of course! But then my eye and my heart were caught by a simple, yet clever turn of phrase. In verse 40 Jesus rebukes His disciples with this statement: "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" A powerful question, if ever there was one. But what comes next is what accosted me. In verse 41, the author states that, "They became very much afraid and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?"" So, they were afraid, Jesus basically said "Don't be afraid!" and then...they are VERY MUCH afraid. What? Didn't they hear what He just said? And see what He did? The storm was over! But what were they afraid of? Look closer at what they are saying to each other: "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?" They were no longer afraid of the storm. That fear was replaced with a fear of HIM. The One whose power eliminated their first fear. The Man before their eyes had put a lid on a life-threatening storm with just three little words. This raw and awesome display of God's power had left them quaking, not at the storm, but at a greater fear. They were trembling with awe, reverence, and yes, even terror as they suddenly understood that He was far from ordinary. This is a proper response to our holy and powerful God! Although in Jesus Christ we are safe from being crushed by the incredible and limitless power of God, the knowledge of Who He is and what He can do ought to leave us VERY MUCH afraid.

And you know what happens when we fear the greatest and most powerful Fear? All of our little fears melt away. In reverence and trembling, we realize that nothing we are afraid of, be it the unknown future, pain, rejection, or our own inabilities, nothing is greater, bigger, stronger, or more powerful than our God. And the best part? He is for us. He is with us. And He is good.

Hallelujah! Thank You, Lord, that You are so much greater and more powerful than anything I fear. Help me to live daily with a right view of Who You are, so that I am liberated from my anxieties and fears. Help me to trust that where you lead me, You will provide what I need and that You will always be with me.

For further reading on fear and the fear of God, I highly recommend "What are you Afraid of?" by Dr. David Jeremiah!

Getting Closer {and the Wish List link}!

I can't believe how close we are coming to being licensed foster parents! We sent in more than 50 pages of paperwork about two weeks ago, which was the remainder. Whew! What a relief it was to finally drop that in the mail! Our last round of training is next week, May 28-30. And one more visit with our licensor! Then we wait! Thank you so much for continuing to pray with us as we inch forward with this crazy adventure God has called us to.

Many of you have asked how you can help, so I wanted to post a link to our Amazon Baby Wish List!

https://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/1ODCGNGZJWKFT/ref=cm_sw_r_ip_wl_o_Rlcwvb03TY8K9

There isn't a whole lot on there yet, but we do need a few things before we get a placement, like crib sheets, a laundry hamper, etc. Age and gender specific items will have to wait, since we have no way of knowing that yet. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

Thank you so much!

Moving Right Along

Dear friends, I apologize for not posting an update here on my blog since our initial announcement (see here)! If you are a follower or mine or Travis's on Facebook, you know I haven't been remiss in posting updates of our progress in getting our foster care license, but I know there are some of you who are not part of the "Facebook world" who would like to know what's going on! Here's a bit of a timeline of what we've accomplished since our orientation in March:

PAPERWORK. 

SO. 

MUCH. 

PAPERWORK. 

And from what I've heard, it's just the beginning, so we better get used to it. We got right down to this first stack of paperwork, and let me tell you, it's intense. Everything from "what's your primary language" (easy!) to "describe how you will support and participate in a child's safe reunification with his/her parents or guardians" (not so easy!). But we press on. We've been filling it out in stages, and we are in view of the finish line. Yay!

Our first completed paperwork went in within a couple of days of receiving the packet. The official application was pretty simple, and got the ball rolling. Dropping that envelope in the mail felt like letting go of life as we know it.

Soon after we submitted the initial paperwork, we had to go and get fingerprinted! Don't worry, we passed.

One of the next things we did was paint the "baby room"! We chose a light shade of gray with a dark gray contrast wall, hoping it would be a good "jumping-off point" for a gender-neutral woodland animal themed room.

THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE PAPERWORK.

CPR and first aid training was next! We took a day-long class in Colville and got our two-year certification. It was a lot of info to take in, and practicing on the dummy was kind of interesting, but hopefully our little world is now a safer place.

Woah! This huge box arriving on the front porch really made things seem real! We ordered a special convertible crib from Walmart.com. Our license will hopefully be for children 2 and under, so it will be great to have a crib that can adapt, depending on what age we are placed with.

Halfway through April, my parents came to visit for a very special reason- to see me, of course!  :) Well, that too, but really they came because I asked my very talented Dad to paint a special mural on the wall of our nursery. I am so blessed that he agreed!

Fortunately, my little brother also came and was a big help to Travis- putting together the crib, as well as installing safety catches on all the kitchen cupboards and making sure our outlets were protected. We now also have a baby gate installed on the stairs too!

Daddy finished this beautiful mural in just two days and I am in love with it! It was just what I had envisioned, and I can't wait for a precious little one to fall asleep in this peaceful environment. I am convinced they will be able to feel the love that it was painted with.

In other news, I had my required physical (Dr. said I was "a healthy 28 yr. old female"!), including the required TB test, flu shot, and Tdap (can you say "sore arm"??) and guess what? I don't have TB! Yay! Travis goes in for his physical and shots on Monday.

Most recently, we had our first in-home visit with our licensor. She was down to earth, relaxed, and kind, which put us at ease. After going over our home for a safety inspection, she didn't tell us much that we weren't expecting, which was a big relief. We have a few things to work on, but nothing major. Whew! Last night we had our first Caregiver Core Training session, which was great! Our trainers are sweet women with great heart and humor and I know we will enjoy the rest of the sessions. Since our group is so small they estimate being able to finish this first module in only two days instead of three, which would be great! Our second module of training (another three days- or maybe two!) is scheduled for the end of this month. 

So what's left? A bit more paperwork, Travis's medical, finishing training, and one final in-home visit. And in the meantime we continue to ready the baby room and purchase a few things (whatever we can that isn't too age-specific). Then? Then we wait for our licensor to write her home study, wait for approval, and...then we wait for a placement! This whole process has really served to get us excited! We are still super nervous and at times horrendously frightened, but never have we lost the sense of peace that we are exactly where God wants us to be. Thank you ever so much for continuing to pray with us as we make decisions, answer questions, and forge ahead. Your support and encouragement means the world to us!

Fostering Joy...

Dear friends, I know it's been awhile since I've written anything about our adoption journey. We've been in a decision making process, but now we're ready to share. Before I update you on the present, let me rewind a little. Most of you probably know that a little over a year ago, we shared our intention to adopt privately, hoping to make a match with a family in need of adoptive parents for their child (if you need to get caught up on that, read this post). Since then, we've had three different situations of potential adoptions come up, all eventually falling through. In November we had two situations back to back, one stringing us out in uncertainty for over a month. In late summer we had been considering whether to apply to an agency or go the direction of foster care, but when the two situations came up, those thoughts took a back seat. When it was all over, we felt pretty drained. As detached as we strove to be, the emotional roller coaster took its toll on us.  We decided to take the time over the holidays to let it all rest, and to think and pray separately, without discussing our feelings much between ourselves or with others.

After the new year, we began to talk and found that the Lord had laid the same thing on both of our hearts- in different ways. Foster care.

Looking back, I know the Lord was beginning to work on my heart much earlier in the year. Two of our friends began doing foster care last year. A family member whose daughter is doing foster care got my parents interested in it. Several others mentioned it to us as a possibility. Just little drops, here and there, the soft rain of conviction falling on my heart. I think the thing about it that I have had the most trouble with is the idea of the grief. I know my own heart, and how attached I will be to whatever children come into our home, and very honestly and simply I am afraid of the pain, the grief that loving them will cause me if they must leave one day. To those of you who are mothers, maybe this is a fear that is natural to every kind of motherhood, but it's a new idea to me! No matter how I fought it, he Lord began to speak to my heart and convict me of the selfish undercurrent of that fear. These questions began to reverberate through my mind...as a Christian, do I have the right to ask for a pain-free life? Out of everyone in the world, shouldn't we be the ones reaching out to help the helpless and needy? What does it really mean to put the needs of another above my own? What does it really mean to take up my cross, deny myself, and follow Christ? Am I prepared to take that command seriously? Why not me? Why not us? And despite the fear, I began to feel excited about what God might do, how He might use us, the joy of a new adventure, the promise of growth as He stretches us to meet the challenge He's called us to...and miraculously, my husband felt the same. God has been working on us both.

I think we are ready for a new journey. The joys and the pain. How my heart aches to think of the many children needing safety and security. How my hearts rejoices to think that God may use us to heal some of those hurts and provide a place where children can be assured they are loved, valued, and safe. Our goal is still to adopt one day, whether through foster care or otherwise, but we are opening ourselves and our home up to whatever the Lord has for us, be it permanent or just for a season.

So the last month or so we've been preparing our home as well as our hearts. We've cleaned out the home office to turn it into a nursery/bedroom (not a quick project...it's crazy how much stuff you accumulate in only 5 years!)- the paint is barely dry! It's been a good time for us to sort and think and pray and dream...

Which brings us to today. We are finally ready to begin the application process! Tomorrow is our first real official step- orientation, where we understand we will also receive an application packet. Then begins loads of paperwork, home visits and inspections, training, etc...it is supposed to be at least a 90 day process.

We would so appreciate your prayers as we wade into this sea of unknowns. We are excited about the possibility of having a child in our home at last, but apprehensive about the myriad of challenges involved. Please pray for wisdom, strength, joy, peace, and unity for us as a couple. Practically, please pray about the many decisions we'll be making during our application process, for the house to pass safety checks, for our health & stamina, for us to establish good relationships with our social worker and others involved, and for God to supply the finances, baby paraphernalia, etc. that we will need to prepare our home. We know this thing that God has called us to is both a great privilege and a great responsibility, and also waaay over our heads. We are going to need to rely on His strength for every step. Your prayers, support and encouragement are going to be invaluable to us!

And so, in the midst of our fear and uncertainty, we pray that in our hearts and yours God will foster joy. The joy of using the resources we've been blessed with to benefit those who are weak and helpless. The joy of committing to follow Christ no matter how hard. The joy of sacrificing self for another.

"...walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with 

JOY." 

- Colossians 1:10-11 

At the Command of the Lord

The other night I was reading the devotional book "Our Daily Bread" (a great supplement to any Bible study plan, by the way!) and was arrested by the assigned scripture reading. To my shame, I was pretty sleepy and wasn't expecting anything too earth-shattering from the book of Numbers.

But the repeated phrase "at the command of the Lord" or "according to the command of the Lord" drew me in.

The scene: the sons of Israel are wandering in the wilderness after escaping slavery in Egypt. God is leading them to a land they are unfamiliar with and they need to follow Him to get there. He graciously provided a cloud that hovered over the tabernacle to guide them.

Let these words wash over you (emphasis mine):

"At the command of the LORD the sons of Israel would set out and at the command of the LORD they would camp; as long as the cloud settled over the tabernacle, they remained camped. Even when the cloud lingered over the tabernacle for many days, the sons of Israel would keep the LORD'S charge and not set out. If sometimes the cloud remained a few days over the tabernacle, according to the command of the LORD they remained camped. Then according to the command of the LORD they set out. If sometimes the cloud remained from evening until morning, when the cloud was lifted in the morning, they would move out; or if it remained in the daytime and at night, whenever the cloud was lifted, they would set out. Whether it was two days or a month or a year that the cloud lingered over the tabernacle, staying above it, the sons of Israel remained camped and did not set out; but when it was lifted they did set out. At the command of the LORD they camped, and at the command of the LORD they set out; they kept the LORD'S charge, according to the command of the LORD through Moses." 

-Numbers 9:18-23 (NASB)

What word first comes to mind? For me it was obedience. And then trust. No matter how long or how short the cloud stayed, the Israelites were faithful to trust God's leading and stay or prepare to move out. Just finished setting up camp a few hours ago? Cloud's moving! Time to pack up! Haven't seen the cloud budge since last summer...thinking maybe God moved on and forgot to move the cloud to let you know? Stay put. No matter what God's reasons were for staying or going, His people trusted His leading and were faithful to pack up and move or stay put according to His direction.

How aptly this cuts to my own heart! I may not have a physical cloud hovering over my life to provide direction, but I have something (Someone) even greater- God has put His own Spirit to dwell in me, and the same principle of His leading and my following is just as applicable to me in my daily life as it was to the journeying, desert-weary Israelites. Galatians 5:25 says,

"Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." (NIV)

 And Jesus says of the Holy Spirit,

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you..." - John 16:13 (NASB)

As I thought of this and how it pertains to the current uncertainty of our adoption journey, it turned my heart again to renew its trust of Him, our Guide.

Whether He leaves us camped in this seemingly empty wasteland of unfulfilled desires for a few days, months or years, or whether He calls us to pack up the camp at a moment's notice and move in a new direction full of adventures and unknowns, we are at the command of the LORD.

We choose to trust that He knows where He is leading us when we cannot see.

At the command of the LORD we camp.

At the command of the LORD we set out.

Trusting God When the Answer Isn't What You Want or Expect

When Travis and I were engaged and first married, we had many conversations about family planning (as most couples do!). God was tugging on our hearts to surrender that area of our lives, like everything else, to Him. To let Him be our family planner. Call it "family un-planning" if you like- we were convinced we were prepared to take whatever He would bring. Which, of course we thought would be children. Immediately and in great numbers! That was the issue of faith we wrestled with- trusting God with however many kids He would give us (which, of course, we assumed would be many since we weren't going to do anything to prevent it!).

What never crossed our minds was that God might choose to plan our family in a way other than showering us immediately with numerous children (what we wanted). Over the last nearly five years He has done exactly the opposite. How many times our hearts have cried "when we said we would trust You with our family planning we thought that would mean children! Not this emptiness and waiting!" Were we prepared to trust Him when He answered our trust with what we did not want or expect?

The last few months the Lord has been showing me that I need to trust Him with our family "un-planning" when He doesn't give children for all the same reasons we were prepared to trust Him if He did.

One of the main reasons is that we believe God is sovereign over all things, including the womb (see Gen. 20:18; 29:31; 30:22, 1 Sam. 1:5, 6; Psalm 103:19; Luke 1:31). While I had always believed this, I see particularly now not only at the fact that God has the power to open the womb, but that He also has the power to close it! If He is the God of all things, this too is in His control.

If I believe that God is in control and that He is good, doesn't it follow that I should trust Him when He gives what I expect and when He doesn't? My faith is strengthened as I realize more and more that this period of time while we are waiting on God for His timing and His ways (and experiencing a perhaps temporary "no") is all in His control. It's all part of a bigger plan.

We are still trusting God to plan our family. We just know now that that may mean no children, one child, a few children, many children, adopted children, foster children...our God is creative and good and knows just what we need.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:9

Oh, the adventure of a surrendered life! May I have the faith-strength and endurance to run the race set before me as God surprises me at every turn!

Oh Lord, you know my faith is so weak. It is easy to trust You when I think I know what the outcome will be. Please grow my faith as I try to trust You when the answer is different than I want or expect. 

Our New Adventure in Waiting

Dearest friends and family, we want to open our hearts to you and share with you something God has been doing in our lives and a new adventure that is opening before us.

We are on the road to adoption! Before we get to specifics, though, let me give you a little backstory...

Many of you know that ever since our marriage {almost} five years ago, one of our greatest desires has been to have children. Waiting through these years has proved to be a daily challenge of our trust in God and His plan for us. As Proverbs 13:12 truthfully says,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

 Our hearts have indeed been "sick" with longing for this most precious desire to be fulfilled. But we have also been growing. We feel that in the midst of all the tangled emotions (and there are many), God has grown a contentment in us and a trust in His time and His way. While we don't profess to have perfect trust around the clock (we don't), we do praise God for His work in our hearts.

So what have we been doing? Well, praying, certainly. We have also been the route of doctors, assuring ourselves that there is nothing out of whack that we (or they) can't fix. So far as we can tell, there is no real diagnosable issue with either of us. For this we praise the Lord, but it also leaves us scratching our heads as to why conception isn't happening. More than ever, we are confident that God is working on His own timetable and in His own way. On a missionary pastor's salary, we cannot afford the more expensive and complicated types of fertility treatments, but after considering prayerfully, we are also convinced that for us, that is just not the way we should go. Our hearts are tender toward adoption for many reasons, not the least of which is that it is a perfectly beautiful illustration of our relationship with God and our adoption into His family (Ro. 8:14-16; Gal. 4:4-6)!

Which brings us to the present. Or nearly so. About 2 years ago, we began to pray and think about adoption. The Lord has been gently tugging our hearts in that direction ever since. One major way was a situation that happened about a year ago. Some of you may know that we were presented with an adoption opportunity through some friends "out of the blue." We scrambled to find a lawyer, flew through the paperwork, got our home study finished and made a trip to OR to meet the mother. And then it suddenly fell through. We were confused, our hearts were heavy, but we felt peace. God was, as always, in control. But what was it all for?

After the ordeal we felt tired. So we waited some more. We pursued some other options with our doctor, and waited some more. About a year. And that does bring us to the present.

A couple of weeks ago, we made the decision to meet once more with the lawyer we found last year. During the whirlwind of that time, he had given us applications for his private matching "pool" just in case the other didn't work out. Those applications had been sitting on our dresser for a year before we finally brushed the dust off of them and filled them out. A private adoption through this attorney (who proved himself to be intelligent, perceptive, and kind through last year's situation) would cost about 1/5 the price of an agency adoption (which can be upwards of $25,000). One of the main things we talked to him about was how to find a birthmother. While our lawyer will be on the lookout, since this is not an agency, part of the job of finding a match is up to us.

That's where you come in! We have been encouraged to spread the word far and wide that we are on an adventure to find our baby! If you know of anyone who is pregnant and looking to put their baby up for adoption, please contact us as soon as possible. Our preference is to adopt an infant (newborn up to a few months old) within Washington state (less costly and complicated), but we're open to discussing other possibilities. If you have any questions whatsoever, please contact us (if you don't have our contact info, leave a comment on this blog post and we'll get in touch)! We'd love to talk to you more about it.

The most helpful way you can be a part of our new journey is to PRAY! We want to be moved along by God's hand in all of this and want Him to be the one to find us the perfect match. It may take time. We may be waiting awhile...but we've been in training for that, haven't we? Please pray for us to have patience and wisdom and to be prepared for whatever this crazy exciting journey is going to look like. We are praying for the second half of Proverbs 13:12 to be true in our lives:

"...but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Please pray for God to fulfill the desires He has given us as we delight ourselves with Him and the ways He chooses to work in our lives (Ps. 37:4).

We are so excited to see what God has for us in this new adventure! It is an adventure in waiting and trusting and hoping and we expect to find challenge and frustrations and growth opportunities at every turn. We are overjoyed to think about the possibility of one day (soon, perhaps?) receiving a precious little one into our arms. Thank you for your willingness to stand with us and be on the lookout for us and PRAY with us! We cherish each of you and want you to know that God has blessed us greatly with your friendship.

Note: Thanks to our dear friend Kathy for taking these beautiful pictures to illustrate our special journey! If you'd like to see more photos from our shoot, please check out our Facebook album!