A Greater Fear

Confession: lately I have been struggling a lot with fear. It seems like now that all the foster care paperwork is done, the house is almost as ready as it can be, and the biggest "to-dos" are done, I am left with a lot of time (maybe too much time?) to think. And to be afraid. I have found myself becoming more and more anxious about not only the unknowns specifically relating to foster care, but also simply my own ability to be a mother and care for a child. Questions like, how will I know when, what, and how much to feed them? How often does a baby need a bath? How will I cope with being overtired? What if they don't like me? What if I don't connect with the baby? and more like these, however "dumb" and small they seem, keep running through my head the closer the time comes for our license to be approved. If I were a betting woman, I'd put my money on many of these uncertainties being normal for first-time moms, but that doesn't make the fear any less real. Even though I am the oldest girl in a family of seven kids (read: I did my fair share of diaper changing and had my sleep interrupted by throwing up and bedwetting on a regular basis), I still feel like there is a lot I don't know. In my more rational moments, I trust that much of this will come naturally, but those nights when I lie awake and worry...yeah, not so rational.

But last night, I feel like the Lord really spoke to my fearful heart. I was preparing to perform my nightly ritual of reading Our Daily Bread when I realized I had read the "wrong" day (the format is such that you read one for each day of the week) twice in a row. No wonder I kept feeling a day ahead all week (isn't it Friday yet??)! I got a little shiver of anticipation. In my experience, usually when I "accidentally" read the wrong day in my devotional, it's because the Lord was saving it for a particular time. So I read on, and boy did He come through. The scripture reading was Mark 4:35-41. Super duper well-known story if you have been anywhere around Christian culture for at least 2 minutes of your life (if you haven't, you are missing out! Catch the action here). Jesus calms the storm. I knew I knew it inside and out and prepared to be comforted once again by knowing that Jesus can calm anything, be it me or the storm. Which is true, of course! But then my eye and my heart were caught by a simple, yet clever turn of phrase. In verse 40 Jesus rebukes His disciples with this statement: "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" A powerful question, if ever there was one. But what comes next is what accosted me. In verse 41, the author states that, "They became very much afraid and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?"" So, they were afraid, Jesus basically said "Don't be afraid!" and then...they are VERY MUCH afraid. What? Didn't they hear what He just said? And see what He did? The storm was over! But what were they afraid of? Look closer at what they are saying to each other: "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?" They were no longer afraid of the storm. That fear was replaced with a fear of HIM. The One whose power eliminated their first fear. The Man before their eyes had put a lid on a life-threatening storm with just three little words. This raw and awesome display of God's power had left them quaking, not at the storm, but at a greater fear. They were trembling with awe, reverence, and yes, even terror as they suddenly understood that He was far from ordinary. This is a proper response to our holy and powerful God! Although in Jesus Christ we are safe from being crushed by the incredible and limitless power of God, the knowledge of Who He is and what He can do ought to leave us VERY MUCH afraid.

And you know what happens when we fear the greatest and most powerful Fear? All of our little fears melt away. In reverence and trembling, we realize that nothing we are afraid of, be it the unknown future, pain, rejection, or our own inabilities, nothing is greater, bigger, stronger, or more powerful than our God. And the best part? He is for us. He is with us. And He is good.

Hallelujah! Thank You, Lord, that You are so much greater and more powerful than anything I fear. Help me to live daily with a right view of Who You are, so that I am liberated from my anxieties and fears. Help me to trust that where you lead me, You will provide what I need and that You will always be with me.

For further reading on fear and the fear of God, I highly recommend "What are you Afraid of?" by Dr. David Jeremiah!