Fostering Joy...

Dear friends, I know it's been awhile since I've written anything about our adoption journey. We've been in a decision making process, but now we're ready to share. Before I update you on the present, let me rewind a little. Most of you probably know that a little over a year ago, we shared our intention to adopt privately, hoping to make a match with a family in need of adoptive parents for their child (if you need to get caught up on that, read this post). Since then, we've had three different situations of potential adoptions come up, all eventually falling through. In November we had two situations back to back, one stringing us out in uncertainty for over a month. In late summer we had been considering whether to apply to an agency or go the direction of foster care, but when the two situations came up, those thoughts took a back seat. When it was all over, we felt pretty drained. As detached as we strove to be, the emotional roller coaster took its toll on us.  We decided to take the time over the holidays to let it all rest, and to think and pray separately, without discussing our feelings much between ourselves or with others.

After the new year, we began to talk and found that the Lord had laid the same thing on both of our hearts- in different ways. Foster care.

Looking back, I know the Lord was beginning to work on my heart much earlier in the year. Two of our friends began doing foster care last year. A family member whose daughter is doing foster care got my parents interested in it. Several others mentioned it to us as a possibility. Just little drops, here and there, the soft rain of conviction falling on my heart. I think the thing about it that I have had the most trouble with is the idea of the grief. I know my own heart, and how attached I will be to whatever children come into our home, and very honestly and simply I am afraid of the pain, the grief that loving them will cause me if they must leave one day. To those of you who are mothers, maybe this is a fear that is natural to every kind of motherhood, but it's a new idea to me! No matter how I fought it, he Lord began to speak to my heart and convict me of the selfish undercurrent of that fear. These questions began to reverberate through my mind...as a Christian, do I have the right to ask for a pain-free life? Out of everyone in the world, shouldn't we be the ones reaching out to help the helpless and needy? What does it really mean to put the needs of another above my own? What does it really mean to take up my cross, deny myself, and follow Christ? Am I prepared to take that command seriously? Why not me? Why not us? And despite the fear, I began to feel excited about what God might do, how He might use us, the joy of a new adventure, the promise of growth as He stretches us to meet the challenge He's called us to...and miraculously, my husband felt the same. God has been working on us both.

I think we are ready for a new journey. The joys and the pain. How my heart aches to think of the many children needing safety and security. How my hearts rejoices to think that God may use us to heal some of those hurts and provide a place where children can be assured they are loved, valued, and safe. Our goal is still to adopt one day, whether through foster care or otherwise, but we are opening ourselves and our home up to whatever the Lord has for us, be it permanent or just for a season.

So the last month or so we've been preparing our home as well as our hearts. We've cleaned out the home office to turn it into a nursery/bedroom (not a quick project...it's crazy how much stuff you accumulate in only 5 years!)- the paint is barely dry! It's been a good time for us to sort and think and pray and dream...

Which brings us to today. We are finally ready to begin the application process! Tomorrow is our first real official step- orientation, where we understand we will also receive an application packet. Then begins loads of paperwork, home visits and inspections, training, etc...it is supposed to be at least a 90 day process.

We would so appreciate your prayers as we wade into this sea of unknowns. We are excited about the possibility of having a child in our home at last, but apprehensive about the myriad of challenges involved. Please pray for wisdom, strength, joy, peace, and unity for us as a couple. Practically, please pray about the many decisions we'll be making during our application process, for the house to pass safety checks, for our health & stamina, for us to establish good relationships with our social worker and others involved, and for God to supply the finances, baby paraphernalia, etc. that we will need to prepare our home. We know this thing that God has called us to is both a great privilege and a great responsibility, and also waaay over our heads. We are going to need to rely on His strength for every step. Your prayers, support and encouragement are going to be invaluable to us!

And so, in the midst of our fear and uncertainty, we pray that in our hearts and yours God will foster joy. The joy of using the resources we've been blessed with to benefit those who are weak and helpless. The joy of committing to follow Christ no matter how hard. The joy of sacrificing self for another.

"...walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with 

JOY." 

- Colossians 1:10-11 

At the Command of the Lord

The other night I was reading the devotional book "Our Daily Bread" (a great supplement to any Bible study plan, by the way!) and was arrested by the assigned scripture reading. To my shame, I was pretty sleepy and wasn't expecting anything too earth-shattering from the book of Numbers.

But the repeated phrase "at the command of the Lord" or "according to the command of the Lord" drew me in.

The scene: the sons of Israel are wandering in the wilderness after escaping slavery in Egypt. God is leading them to a land they are unfamiliar with and they need to follow Him to get there. He graciously provided a cloud that hovered over the tabernacle to guide them.

Let these words wash over you (emphasis mine):

"At the command of the LORD the sons of Israel would set out and at the command of the LORD they would camp; as long as the cloud settled over the tabernacle, they remained camped. Even when the cloud lingered over the tabernacle for many days, the sons of Israel would keep the LORD'S charge and not set out. If sometimes the cloud remained a few days over the tabernacle, according to the command of the LORD they remained camped. Then according to the command of the LORD they set out. If sometimes the cloud remained from evening until morning, when the cloud was lifted in the morning, they would move out; or if it remained in the daytime and at night, whenever the cloud was lifted, they would set out. Whether it was two days or a month or a year that the cloud lingered over the tabernacle, staying above it, the sons of Israel remained camped and did not set out; but when it was lifted they did set out. At the command of the LORD they camped, and at the command of the LORD they set out; they kept the LORD'S charge, according to the command of the LORD through Moses." 

-Numbers 9:18-23 (NASB)

What word first comes to mind? For me it was obedience. And then trust. No matter how long or how short the cloud stayed, the Israelites were faithful to trust God's leading and stay or prepare to move out. Just finished setting up camp a few hours ago? Cloud's moving! Time to pack up! Haven't seen the cloud budge since last summer...thinking maybe God moved on and forgot to move the cloud to let you know? Stay put. No matter what God's reasons were for staying or going, His people trusted His leading and were faithful to pack up and move or stay put according to His direction.

How aptly this cuts to my own heart! I may not have a physical cloud hovering over my life to provide direction, but I have something (Someone) even greater- God has put His own Spirit to dwell in me, and the same principle of His leading and my following is just as applicable to me in my daily life as it was to the journeying, desert-weary Israelites. Galatians 5:25 says,

"Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." (NIV)

 And Jesus says of the Holy Spirit,

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you..." - John 16:13 (NASB)

As I thought of this and how it pertains to the current uncertainty of our adoption journey, it turned my heart again to renew its trust of Him, our Guide.

Whether He leaves us camped in this seemingly empty wasteland of unfulfilled desires for a few days, months or years, or whether He calls us to pack up the camp at a moment's notice and move in a new direction full of adventures and unknowns, we are at the command of the LORD.

We choose to trust that He knows where He is leading us when we cannot see.

At the command of the LORD we camp.

At the command of the LORD we set out.

Trusting God When the Answer Isn't What You Want or Expect

When Travis and I were engaged and first married, we had many conversations about family planning (as most couples do!). God was tugging on our hearts to surrender that area of our lives, like everything else, to Him. To let Him be our family planner. Call it "family un-planning" if you like- we were convinced we were prepared to take whatever He would bring. Which, of course we thought would be children. Immediately and in great numbers! That was the issue of faith we wrestled with- trusting God with however many kids He would give us (which, of course, we assumed would be many since we weren't going to do anything to prevent it!).

What never crossed our minds was that God might choose to plan our family in a way other than showering us immediately with numerous children (what we wanted). Over the last nearly five years He has done exactly the opposite. How many times our hearts have cried "when we said we would trust You with our family planning we thought that would mean children! Not this emptiness and waiting!" Were we prepared to trust Him when He answered our trust with what we did not want or expect?

The last few months the Lord has been showing me that I need to trust Him with our family "un-planning" when He doesn't give children for all the same reasons we were prepared to trust Him if He did.

One of the main reasons is that we believe God is sovereign over all things, including the womb (see Gen. 20:18; 29:31; 30:22, 1 Sam. 1:5, 6; Psalm 103:19; Luke 1:31). While I had always believed this, I see particularly now not only at the fact that God has the power to open the womb, but that He also has the power to close it! If He is the God of all things, this too is in His control.

If I believe that God is in control and that He is good, doesn't it follow that I should trust Him when He gives what I expect and when He doesn't? My faith is strengthened as I realize more and more that this period of time while we are waiting on God for His timing and His ways (and experiencing a perhaps temporary "no") is all in His control. It's all part of a bigger plan.

We are still trusting God to plan our family. We just know now that that may mean no children, one child, a few children, many children, adopted children, foster children...our God is creative and good and knows just what we need.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:9

Oh, the adventure of a surrendered life! May I have the faith-strength and endurance to run the race set before me as God surprises me at every turn!

Oh Lord, you know my faith is so weak. It is easy to trust You when I think I know what the outcome will be. Please grow my faith as I try to trust You when the answer is different than I want or expect. 

Our New Adventure in Waiting

Dearest friends and family, we want to open our hearts to you and share with you something God has been doing in our lives and a new adventure that is opening before us.

We are on the road to adoption! Before we get to specifics, though, let me give you a little backstory...

Many of you know that ever since our marriage {almost} five years ago, one of our greatest desires has been to have children. Waiting through these years has proved to be a daily challenge of our trust in God and His plan for us. As Proverbs 13:12 truthfully says,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

 Our hearts have indeed been "sick" with longing for this most precious desire to be fulfilled. But we have also been growing. We feel that in the midst of all the tangled emotions (and there are many), God has grown a contentment in us and a trust in His time and His way. While we don't profess to have perfect trust around the clock (we don't), we do praise God for His work in our hearts.

So what have we been doing? Well, praying, certainly. We have also been the route of doctors, assuring ourselves that there is nothing out of whack that we (or they) can't fix. So far as we can tell, there is no real diagnosable issue with either of us. For this we praise the Lord, but it also leaves us scratching our heads as to why conception isn't happening. More than ever, we are confident that God is working on His own timetable and in His own way. On a missionary pastor's salary, we cannot afford the more expensive and complicated types of fertility treatments, but after considering prayerfully, we are also convinced that for us, that is just not the way we should go. Our hearts are tender toward adoption for many reasons, not the least of which is that it is a perfectly beautiful illustration of our relationship with God and our adoption into His family (Ro. 8:14-16; Gal. 4:4-6)!

Which brings us to the present. Or nearly so. About 2 years ago, we began to pray and think about adoption. The Lord has been gently tugging our hearts in that direction ever since. One major way was a situation that happened about a year ago. Some of you may know that we were presented with an adoption opportunity through some friends "out of the blue." We scrambled to find a lawyer, flew through the paperwork, got our home study finished and made a trip to OR to meet the mother. And then it suddenly fell through. We were confused, our hearts were heavy, but we felt peace. God was, as always, in control. But what was it all for?

After the ordeal we felt tired. So we waited some more. We pursued some other options with our doctor, and waited some more. About a year. And that does bring us to the present.

A couple of weeks ago, we made the decision to meet once more with the lawyer we found last year. During the whirlwind of that time, he had given us applications for his private matching "pool" just in case the other didn't work out. Those applications had been sitting on our dresser for a year before we finally brushed the dust off of them and filled them out. A private adoption through this attorney (who proved himself to be intelligent, perceptive, and kind through last year's situation) would cost about 1/5 the price of an agency adoption (which can be upwards of $25,000). One of the main things we talked to him about was how to find a birthmother. While our lawyer will be on the lookout, since this is not an agency, part of the job of finding a match is up to us.

That's where you come in! We have been encouraged to spread the word far and wide that we are on an adventure to find our baby! If you know of anyone who is pregnant and looking to put their baby up for adoption, please contact us as soon as possible. Our preference is to adopt an infant (newborn up to a few months old) within Washington state (less costly and complicated), but we're open to discussing other possibilities. If you have any questions whatsoever, please contact us (if you don't have our contact info, leave a comment on this blog post and we'll get in touch)! We'd love to talk to you more about it.

The most helpful way you can be a part of our new journey is to PRAY! We want to be moved along by God's hand in all of this and want Him to be the one to find us the perfect match. It may take time. We may be waiting awhile...but we've been in training for that, haven't we? Please pray for us to have patience and wisdom and to be prepared for whatever this crazy exciting journey is going to look like. We are praying for the second half of Proverbs 13:12 to be true in our lives:

"...but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." 

Please pray for God to fulfill the desires He has given us as we delight ourselves with Him and the ways He chooses to work in our lives (Ps. 37:4).

We are so excited to see what God has for us in this new adventure! It is an adventure in waiting and trusting and hoping and we expect to find challenge and frustrations and growth opportunities at every turn. We are overjoyed to think about the possibility of one day (soon, perhaps?) receiving a precious little one into our arms. Thank you for your willingness to stand with us and be on the lookout for us and PRAY with us! We cherish each of you and want you to know that God has blessed us greatly with your friendship.

Note: Thanks to our dear friend Kathy for taking these beautiful pictures to illustrate our special journey! If you'd like to see more photos from our shoot, please check out our Facebook album!

What is "Power Meets Intimacy"?

This concept- the power of God highlighting the intimacy of God- is a thread that has been running through my mind and heart for several years now. At a time in my life when I was crying out to God for healing from a broken relationship, I discovered something beautiful. It came to me through the Word, and was illustrated in amazing ways by creation. God is enormously powerful and huge beyond my imagination AND He wants to have an intimate, personal, day-to-day, moment-by-moment, nitty-gritty relationship with ME. At first these truths seem like they couldn't possibly reconcile, but as you search the Scriptures and realize they DO, your heart can hardly help leaping in amazement and joy. How great is the love that God has poured into our hearts by His Spirit. As a bit of a further introduction to the new focus of this blog, I will copy my very first musings on this subject, from several years ago. I hope it touches your heart and reminds you that God is more than just a powerful force. He is interested. Involved. Intimately- with YOU. Will you join me on a journey to dig deeper into the heart of God?

Power Meets Intimacy

“Nature is too thin a screen; the glory of the omnipresent God bursts through everywhere.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

          The glories of nature all around us speak clearly of the character of God, if we will only take the time to stop and ponder.  What is each facet of creation meant to teach us about our Heavenly Father?

            For example, what do you see when you look at a sunset? Its colors tell us of God’s unrivaled beauty, and the fact that we see a different one each evening clues us in to His unmatched creativity. He is a master Artist, painting not only sunrises and sunsets, but new hours and moments into our lives everyday. The roar of a waterfall brings to mind His power and greatness, yet the minuteness of the droplets reminds us that He is intimately involved with us despite His hugeness. The same message is repeated in a towering mountain covered in tiny, intricate snowflakes or a massive ocean filled with microscopic living organisms. In the sights and sounds of our world- and beyond- we are accosted by at least two messages at once: 1) God is POWERFUL!! and 2) God is INTIMATE!! This theme, which seems at first to contradict itself, is represented over and over again in Scripture. He is referred to as “God Most High,” then in the same breath is praised for involving Himself in our daily dilemmas!

            “I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me.”- Psalm 57:2

             “Once God has spoken, twice I have heard this: that power belongs to God; and lovingkindness is Yours, O Lord…” - Psalm 62:11-12.

          When I see the amazing display of creativity and care in nature I am excited, humbled, and eager to see how God will put His genius to work in my own life. How will He artfully craft my love story? What new lessons will He paint into my life this year in colors I have never seen? I have reason to trust that He who spun the constellations can repair my broken heart. That He whose power holds back the tide has control over my comings and goings. That He who mapped out the rivers of the world has charted out each day of my life and each instance where it intersects with another.

            When this kind of power meets this kind of intimacy, one emotion is immediately recognized: LOVE. A beautiful, all-encompassing, powerful, interested love. God does not only create, He sustains. He faithfully upholds all of creation. The sun keeps on rising and setting. The tide washes in and out. The birds fly and do not fall to the ground. The rain falls to water the earth. The heart beats…again and again. The giant fingers of God spun the galaxies and set the planets in orbit. The tender faithfulness of our Father holds them there, causing the stars to twinkle and shine, night after night.

            When God’s Son, Jesus, humbly descended to this earth- His own creation- this “power-meets-intimacy” concept was fully realized. This God-Man came to our dirty dwelling to work in the details of carpentry. To make friends with 12 ignorant men. And to reconcile each one of us to Himself. To allow us to experience His unbounded power in our own hearts. And to show us in the flesh what it means to be loved intimately by the all-powerful Creator-King.

            What right have we, as the creation, to expect this kind of love from our Maker? Let us respond with open arms, trusting in the wisdom of the Master Artisan and drinking in the unexpected, uninhibited love of our God.

Beauty In Out of the Way Places

I am so ready for spring. It comes slow here in the Inland Northwest, and I have been eagerly awaiting the first bloom I can spy in my yard. My daffodils and tulips are still only half-grown stalks and my anniversary rosebush is a mass of dry, twig looking stems with only a faint brush of green to prove there is any life inside. My little planter area I cultivated last summer has been extremely barren, due mostly to the fact that I planted almost all annuals. Ever since my sweet hubby gifted me with a potential rosebush (a mass of stems in a hunk of dirt!) early last summer, I have eagerly anticipated the day when I will enjoy a big, healthy, climbing shrub bearing lush, extravagant roses! So, as soon as the snow melted enough to where I could see the plant again, I began checking for signs that my rose had survived the harsh winter. Sure enough, green began to spread through the little stalks, but slowly. Almost everyday when I walk up the steps to the porch, I glance at the bush, and not much seems to change. Brown deadness seems to keep my rose's growth stagnated, and I have been disappointed.

However, this morning, as I traipsed down the driveway to Bible study, something purple caught my eye. About 3 feet to the right of my rosebush, tucked away in a corner amidst a tangle of last year's lifeless plants, was a single, delicate pansy. While I had been obsessed with my rosebush, and longing for it's showy blooms to materialize, this little, unpretentious pansy had come to life and blossomed without any fanfare. I was so moved and throughout Bible study, God's gift of this little flower tugged at my heart. It was as if the Lord dropped this thought into my mind: "Sometimes I work quietly and beautifully in out of the way places, where you aren't even looking."

WOW! My eyes welled up with tears as I realized how I often I long for God to work in "showy", extravagant ways, when many times just as important (or more) are the things He is doing where we least expect it. Isn't it just like God to do that? How refreshed and encouraged my spirit was when I thought of how often God brings beauty out of the least likely people and circumstances, and how often I neglect to see where He is working, as I become distracted with the things I want to happen! The roses I want to bloom!

Father, please draw my eyes continually to where Your "pansies" are sprouting in the least likely places in my world!

Hope You Don't Mind...

I have recently started using the internet radio Pandora (I know, I'm a little behind the times...). Last night, I felt in the mood for something different than my usual contemporary Christian fare, so I plugged in Chicago, and created a radio station chock full of great oldies from the 70s and 80s. Over dinner, talking to my hubby, waves of nostalgia rolled over me- not because I was a teen growing up in that time period, but because of my dad. Because of my dad, I did indeed grow up on bands like Chicago, The Beatles, America, The Eagles, Boston, Queen, REO Speedwagon, The Turtles, Bread, etc. My husband listened in amazement as song after song came on and I knew most of the words to almost every one. So I began to talk about my dad. How when I was young, growing up in Double Adobe, AZ and Redland, OR, there weren't any good Christian music stations- this was back in the 90s you know! :) So, when I would go places with Daddy, he'd crank up the oldies. The best of the 60s, 70s and 80s, the announcer would say. And as the tunes would float across the airwaves, Daddy would talk about his teen years, and how he was a sort of music junkie, discovering little known bands & one-hit-wonders, how he collected thousands of records and knew all about the bands that made them. Amazing how much I retained, for it wasn't the music or the bands that really interested me. I loved to hear Daddy talk about life when he was a kid. And I loved the time he spent telling me about it.

My dad became a pastor when I was 3 years old, and ever since I can remember, he's been talking us kids on calls with him. Now I go on calls with my own pastor husband and remember the days going with Daddy. Very rarely did Daddy go on a call to an elderly or sick person's home without taking one of us seven kids. When we lived in AZ, the trips to the hospital were at least 45 min, but usually more like 2 or 4 hrs- one way. That's a lot of time. In OR the hospitals were closer, but we still coveted the trips with Daddy. I remember many arguments happening over who got to "go with Daddy to see so-and-s0"! It wasn't just because most of the elderly widows would bring out milk and cookies for us. It was the time with Daddy. He made us feel important. He used to tell us that it made the older people and the sick people happy just to see a child's face. And he would often let us pray with them, knowing that the innocence of a child's prayers can touch a hurting heart or a weary soul like nothing else. And when we were in the car, there were always conversations. About music, of course, but also about life. About the importance of learning to listen to people. Taking an interest in what they're interested in. Look around, he'd say, look at the pictures on the walls, or the knick-knacks and ask people questions about their lives. Learn to remember the names of their kids and their grandkids. He was (is) such a good teacher of how to unselfishly minister to people. And on the way home there was always the inevitable stop for a treat, for being so good and for just being with Daddy. A soda and a bad of chips, or a donut and a bottle of juice. A candy bar.

But now as I look back, it isn't the treats I remember so well. The thing that has left such a lasting impression on me (besides the great old tunes!) is the time I spent with my Daddy. Knowing that my company was valuable to him, knowing that he enjoyed spending those hours with me. Now, married, living away from home, I treasure every moment I spent with my Daddy. And Daddy, as Elton John would say, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words, how wonderful life was...when I got to spend time with you! :)